


A Case of Boredom, or, The Adventure of the Detective Who Had No Murder to Solve and Was Forced to Listen to Her Friend Read Her a Story

by apprehensionatthegala



Category: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Everyone Is Gay, F/F, M/M, Multi, Parody, Pastiche, names have been changed but only slightly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 21:25:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7377922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apprehensionatthegala/pseuds/apprehensionatthegala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doubtkey Condos, the famous detective, has no murder to solve. Her best friend, Marcia Watkins, suggests reading her a story she wrote about a case past. They both get so immersed in the story that it's like they're solving in all over again. Half parody, half pastiche. Written in play format.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Case of Boredom, or, The Adventure of the Detective Who Had No Murder to Solve and Was Forced to Listen to Her Friend Read Her a Story

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I'm back! This time with a fanfiction that I passed off to my playwriting class as an homage to Arthur Conan Doyle, as is my wont. All the names of major characters have been changed for this reason, but I had fun with it. Here's a handy guide, if you get confused. 
> 
> Doubtkey Condos = Sherlock Holmes.  
> Marcia Watkins = John Watson  
> Gregory House = probably Tobias Gregson, or one of the other police officers  
> John Watson = not actually John Watson. This confused the hell out of my teacher.  
> Shamrock Sholmes* = not Sherlock Holmes. This also confused the hell out of my teacher.
> 
> To make things even more confusing, Marcia was originally named Mark, and she and Doubtkey were originally men in my first draft. So if there's mistakes in pronouns or if I accidentally call Marcia Mark, please let me know. This is made even more confusing by the fact that there is another character named Mark. I didn't make this very easy for my teacher.
> 
> *Fun fact: Back when the Sherlock Holmes stories first came out, fanfiction happened really fast, often in the form of plays. Because of licensing, playwrights couldn't call their characters Sherlock Holmes, and among the popular alternatives were Shamrock Sholmes and Herlock Sholmes.
> 
> Enjoy!

A CASE OF BOREDOM

DRAMATIS PERSONAE  
MARCIA WATKINS: Doubtkey Condos’s close friend and detective companion.  
DOUBTKEY CONDOS: Famous detective, prone to fits of boredom.  
GREGORY HOUSE JR: Police detective constable.  
JOHN WATSON: Secret Victorian gay man. In a relationship with Shamrock Sholmes.  
MARK SMITHSON: The killer.  
POLICE OFFICER.

**SCENE 1**

MIDMORNING. 112B CANDLEMAKER STREET, GREATER LONDON. LATE 1800s. The side stage is decorated like a Bohemian flat with a settee and a desk. The main stage, not lit, is a bedroom, lined with crime scene tape. Doubtkey Condos, the famous detective, and her partner, Marcia Watkins, are lounging in their flat, Doubtkey on a couch and Marcia at a desk. It is heavily snowing outside (we can see the frosty windows) and Doubtkey is very obviously itching to do something, but is confined to the flat. She gets up and paces the floor, then relapses to her seat, curling up in a ball that she thinks looks brooding, but actually looks adorable. Marcia turns to her, now shaken from her writing. Their exchange is playful and bantering.

MARCIA WATKINS: Are you quite alright, Condos?

DOUBTKEY CONDOS: I am not, Watkins. We have not had a viable case in a number of weeks. I fear I will soon perish of boredom.

MARCIA: As a medic, I doubt that it will kill you.

DOUBTKEY: No, I shall not die; merely succumb to brain fever if I do not get out of this flat!

Marcia peers, frowning, at the windows.

MARCIA: Surely you have a monograph on footprints to write, or some experiment involving deadly poisons to conduct?

DOUBTKEY: None of that will even occupy a place in my mind at the moment. What is the point of being the world’s only consulting detective if no one will consult me?

MARCIA: Most everyone is snowed in, as we are. Business will pick up when the snowstorm finishes its work. And perhaps you would get more business if you would advertise your services in the newspapers. Many that read my stories do not realize you are not fiction.

DOUBTKEY: I do not practice in my line of work for recognition; rather, I do it for the mental exaltation. Will no one make an effort? Constable House has not called upon me in weeks. What is lacking in the criminal masses?

MARCIA: Could I regale you with a tale of a case past? I have kept account of several adventures of ours.

DOUBTKEY: Oh, I know that you have. You write much too fancifully; you should really stick to the facts like I do. You add all manner of romances and fancies. The public now thinks I am some sort of Byronic hero.

MARCIA, teasing: Perhaps a fanciful story could alleviate your boredom for a short while?

DOUBTKEY, sighing like a drama queen: Very well; if the story does not kill me, the boredom will.

Marcia takes up her papers, rifles through them, and picks out a sheaf. She begins to read.

MARCIA, reading: “Looking back on the many adventures I have shared with my good friend, Doubtkey Condos, there are some that I have not recounted. There are some that I will never put to paper. But there is one particular, curious case that put expectations at odds with the queer reality.”

**SCENE 2**

(This dialogue is read as the scene changes)  
MARCIA  
We arrived at the scene of the crime to find a gruesome sight - the body of a man was lying on the floor, seemingly stabbed to death. The police had left, except for Gregory House Jr, the constable.

Doubtkey and Marcia get up and walk from the side stage to the main stage. The lighting moves from side stage to main stage. House, John Watson, and Shamrock enter from the other side of the stage. Shamrock lies facedown on the floor. John Watson and Gregory House Jr. stand next to the body. Doubtkey and Marcia join them and assume thinking faces.

DOUBTKEY, nodding to the policeman: House. Who is this fellow?

HOUSE: This is Mr John Watson. He lodged together with the victim, Shamrock Sholmes. He found the body when he returned from his medical practice.

John Watson nods to Doubtkey.

DOUBTKEY: What do you make of it, Watkins?

Marcia crouches next to the body.

MARCIA: Exsanguination, most likely. Stab wounds in his back, so attacked from behind.

DOUBTKEY: Very good, Watkins. You, of course, are misled, but your basis is sound.

MARCIA: I do not understand.

DOUBTKEY: The body is positioned unnaturally; he did not fall in this position. And he was not killed elsewhere and brought here, or else there would be blood on the floor leading here and none beneath him. Rather, he embraced his attacker before retiring. He must have stabbed him, and then was lowered to the ground.

GREGORY HOUSE: We thought it was a robbery gone wrong, but with that, could it be murder made to look like a theft?

DOUBTKEY: It may have been murder, but this man was not the intended target.

HOUSE: How on earth could you know that?

DOUBTKEY: Whose bedroom is this?

JOHN WATSON: Mine.

DOUBTKEY: There you are. If Shamrock was the intended victim, why did the killer look for him in Watson’s room?

HOUSE: Why was he in your room in the first place, Watson?

JOHN: It was not uncommon for him to rifle through my personal effects. He was that sort of fellow.

HOUSE: Is there anyone who would wish you or your friend harm?

John Watson is silent for a beat longer than acceptable.

JOHN: No, there is not.

DOUBTKEY: Are you absolutely sure?

Watson hesitates again. It is clear he has someone in mind, something he’s not saying.

JOHN: Yes, positively certain.

Doubtkey is silent for a moment.

MARCIA: House, this man is in shock from these traumatic events. Please take him from the room.

HOUSE: You are a medic; can you treat him?

MARCIA: All he needs is to rest.

House and Watson leave. As soon as they are out of earshot, Marcia turns to Doubtkey.

MARCIA: I recognize your countenance; there is something you are not saying.

DOUBTKEY: Watson is keeping something from us; he knows who did this, and he knows he will be the next victim. But surely a military man like himself would not lie down when threatened with murder. But who would he want to protect?

MARCIA: I haven’t the faintest.

DOUBTKEY: Neither have I.

Watson enters again with House and another officer with a gurney, looks around furtively, and pulls Doubtkey aside. House and the other officer busy themselves with removing the body.

JOHN, with eyes red and voice shaky: I trust you will be surreptitious about this, but there is one person. His name is Mark; Mark Smithson. He is an old friend of mine and Sholmes, but he has become distant and resentful of late. I fear he may be the culprit.

DOUBTKEY: Do you have any clue why he would commit this hideous act?

JOHN: I do not. We used to be so close.

DOUBTKEY: I see. Thank you for telling me. I think I know this man; like you, though, I am at a loss for motive.

JOHN: I hope that you find him.

He ends the sentence like he means to say more, but doesn’t, and leaves the room. Marcia Watkins returns to Doubtkey’s side.

MARCIA: What was that conversation? Did he tell you something of importance?

DOUBTKEY: He did indeed. He does not think he is in any immediate danger, but he intends to confront the killer tomorrow.

MARCIA: He told you all that?

DOUBTKEY: Not in so many words, but I saw it nonetheless. He exchanged his boots for slippers and loosened his neck-tie, thus he intends to sleep here tonight. However, he has put his pistol on the table in the sitting room through that door, so he intends to use it in the morning. I do not know who we should be protecting; Watson or our killer.

**SCENE 3**

MARK, narrating as the next block of text is acted: “Of course, we had to stay the night and watch over Watson in case our killer returned for him as well. When he retired, we waited in the next room for the perpetrator to return…”

The lights dim substantially. Doubtkey and Watkins leave. Watson returns in pajamas with a lamp and sets it on the bedside table, gets into bed and turns down the light. Watkins and Doubtkey return with a lamp of their own and wait outside the window in chairs (presumably they are just outside the bedroom), waiting for something to happen. They speak in hushed voices as to not wake Watson.

MARCIA: Do you really think the killer would be so bold as to strike again to-night, so soon after the first murder?

DOUBTKEY: There is no doubt in my mind; he must strike, or risk becoming a victim of Watson’s. As I said, Watson will seek his own vengeance upon the killer in the morning.

MARCIA: So Watson knows who the fiend is?

DOUBTKEY: Of course. They know each other; There was no sign that the killer snuck or forced his way in, so Sholmes must have let him in.

MARCIA: Could the housekeeper have allowed him entry?

DOUBTKEY waving her hand dismissively: Out on errands.

They are silent for a moment.

MARCIA: Why did you withhold this from House? We could prevent this whole dastardly mess from occurring tonight.

DOUBTKEY: I know Smithson vaguely; he frequents my brother’s Triogenes Club. He travels very far to London, so he must be lodging here for a time. The police would not find him at his home, and when they got there it would be too late. Do you have your revolver?

MARCIA: Yes, certainly.

DOUBTKEY: Get it out; you may need it before the night is up.

Sure enough, a door at the end of the room creaks open, and a shadowy figure tiptoes in. Light glints off a knife. Marcia and Doubtkey tiptoe after the figure, trying not to startle him, but the figure suddenly rushes the bed and stabs wildly at Watson.

The attack is too quick for John to say anything, but he utters a cry of alarm and pain. Marcia and Doubtkey are upon the assailant almost at once, but it is too late. John is bleeding out on the bed. Doubtkey goes to John’s side while Marcia subdues Smithson.

JOHN, dying: I did not think - that he would come upon me this night. But it is good, supposing - I will soon be with my love - there is no harm is admitting it now.

Doubtkey says nothing and John breathes his final breath.

MARCIA W: Doubtkey! Is Watson all right?

DOUBTKEY: I am afraid he is not - he is dead.

MARCIA W: Dead!

DOUBTKEY: Yes, he is; there is no need for a medic to tell us how it happened. Do you have our perpetrator well in hand?

MARCIA W: I do. Should we take him to the police?

MARK SMITHSON: I have rid these streets of a threat to decency; they will award me a medal for my deeds!

DOUBTKEY: The police do not tend to look highly upon murderers, no matter their motive. Watkins, go across the street and telephone House; tell him we have caught our man. I will stay with him.

Marcia Watkins leaves.

SMITHSON: You heard Watson; he was a confessed sodomite. He would have been put away as well as I.

DOUBTKEY: Do shut up; you have your own vices that cannot be discussed in good company.

Smithson’s face is surprised; Doubtkey explains.

DOUBTKEY, cont.: You frequent my brother’s club; you should know not everything stays within those walls. I have seen you there in bad company indeed.

At seeing Smithson’s frightened expression, Doubtkey continues.

DOUBTKEY, bored, as if she just can’t be bothered: Do not fret; it is not my job to tell the police of your other crimes. They may put you away for murder, but whatever else you tell them is your responsibility.

Just then, Watkins returns with House. The lights brighten as House turns up the lamp.

HOUSE: Dear God above! What has happened here?

DOUBTKEY: Smithson has murdered Watson, who is on the bed there. We were too late to save him - Watson’s wound bled too quickly to administer medical attention.

House sighs and gestures to the other officer to help him with Watson. They carry the body out of the room, wrapped in a sheet. When they have gone, Marcia Watkins turns to Doubtkey.

MARCIA: So Watson was the intended victim?

DOUBTKEY: Not at all. They could not look more unlike - Watson is of average height at best, for one, and Shamrock was quite tall. Even from behind, they could not be mistaken for one another. No; the reason the killer looked for Shamrock in Watson’s bedroom was that he knew they both slept there.

MARCIA: Both? But why? How do you know?

DOUBTKEY: It is simplicity itself - they were lovers. Secretly, of course, but Shamrock did not sleep in his own room. I took a look around the flat when we first arrived; Shamrock’s bed was neatly made up, with crisp hospital corners. I would expect this from Watson, who was a military man, but everything else in Shamrock’s room was disorganized and untidy. Why then, would his bed be so neatly made? He did not sleep in it. Such an affair would be scandalizing, not to mention punishable by law, so of course they kept it a secret - except, perhaps from their very close friend, Mark Smithson. Smithson is also a confirmed bachelor, and we both know what that implies. He may have been envious of Watson and Sholmes’s relationship and lashed out.

MARCIA: Why did you not tell House? This gives them a viable motive!

DOUBTKEY: As I said, homosexuality is a punishable offense. Both men are dead; there is no need to tarnish their good standing. Smithson may tell police whatever he likes; I do not want that revelation on my own head.

MARCIA: If Smithson wanted to kill Sholmes, why did he come back for Watson?

DOUBTKEY: Ah, now that is a question. Watson is smarter than he lets on; he figured out that Smithson had to be the killer. Smithson, though he let envy lead him to murder, was intelligent enough to know that Watson would seek revenge.

MARCIA: Why, that is brilliant.

DOUBTKEY: As I said, it is simplicity itself. Now that the case is over, I should like to go home. Shall we?

Watkins takes her hand they walk from the main stage to the side stage. The lighting shifts once more from main to side. Doubtkey again sprawls out on the couch and Watkins returns to her desk.

**SCENE 4**

MARCIA: There; now what did you think of that?

DOUBTKEY: You rushed the end, you added bits you were not there to witness, and there were bits in the middle you retracted. All in all, my heart is still beating, so it is not entirely a loss.

MARCIA: That is good, then. And did it ease your boredom for a short while?

DOUBTKEY: I suppose it did.

Just then, the doorbell rings. Marcia and Doubtkey both look at each other.

MARCIA  
Is that…?

DOUBTKEY  
A client!

She is off the couch in an instant.

DOUBTKEY  
Come along, Watkins! The game is afoot!

END

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, they're lesbians. Actually, I originally had them link arms as they walked offstage, to veeery subtly hint at it, but when this was performed, my Doubtkey actress took Marcia's hand as they walked offstage, and the audience's reaction was amazing. There was a very palpable "OH". It was wonderful. Please leave comments - I didn't get nearly enough criticism in the class.


End file.
